SATIRE: Donald Trump’s speech on Islam — LEAKED!

You know it, right? You’ll learn to love me. Iran is a problem. … Wait, sorry, off topic. And I love them! 3 to 5 million more than Clinton. It’s a big hand. Just kidding. Because they know I love the Islam. Made wonderful buildings and resorts. Wonderful first lady. Bad Islam hates me, and you, which is why I hate them. Hate Iran. We’ve made a lot of money together. Your ladies are great, too. I’m sure some of you don’t like me, either, but trust me, I’m a nice guy. You know Lebanon has the Shia. Made by Muhammad, a great Prophet. That’s the Islam of Saudi Arabia. Gotta take care of Iran. Which is totally opposite from Saudi Islam. Really did. Oh, I forgot, Ramada Inn Mubarak. It’s not Islam, it’s RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR. He’s doing great things. They love me, really. I respect that. That’s the good Islam. Am I right? (Wajahat Ali is is a New York Times op-ed contributor, recovering attorney and author of the play “The Domestic Crusaders”) No food for a month. Isn’t she great? That’s the Islam Donald Trump loves. Not even water, right? Love the Shia! President Trump heads later this week to Saudi Arabia, where he will deliver a speech on Islam. Wajahat Ali got the (satirical) scoop … 
(RNS) Ass-slam-aloo-kim. Great businessmen. More than Obama, let me tell you. That’s discipline. You guys are facing the danger, am I right? You know who else loves me? Beautiful I’m sure. Also, we both hate Iran. Although I love the Shia. We all agree there’s a threat. Love Melania. You know what I really love? Now, my base hates Islam, and my adviser Steve Bannon wants WW3 with you, but we agree to disagree, am I right? Saw a video. And Saudi Arabia and I, we’re gonna obliterate ISIS and we’re gonna make big, shiny, beautiful buildings. Muslims. Could grab a lot. Really great. That’s the Islam which I said hates us. The peaceful Islam he preached. That’s bad Islam. We did great business together. Big fingers. We’ll get there. OK hotels, but GREAT religious tradition. But I love what they say in Saudi about the “right hand possessions.” I know my right hand could grab a lot. I just can’t see them. Saudis always loved me, really. She’s great. So we’re united in our love of me and our love of peace and our love of killing RADICAL ISLAMIC TERROR. Really loved Abdullah. Fifteen percent of them voted for the Donald. Don’t believe the FAKE NEWS or the LIBERAL MEDIA. I read the Quran on YouTube. He loved me, too, you know. Really. I love the Islam and Islam loves me. Love being in Saudi Arabia with my boy, Salman here. Liberals don’t give it a name, but I do. I’ve done business there. Great food, and women — even blond women. Asthma-laila-kumbaya to all! Listen, I gotta say, love this four wives thing. Not as good as Mar-a-Lago, but we’ll get there. I’m only at three … right now. That’s amazing. We need more of that right now.